Sorrow

do you wake every day with a feeling of foreboding?

Are there tears behind your eyes as the day goes by?

is there a constant sadness in your heart for one who is lost?

are there times when you need a shoulder to weep on

or a hug to comfort you?

who would have thought it would come to this?

 

 

Advertisements

grief and loss

who can you talk to when you feel so lonely and lost, grief stricken and full of guilt?

Certainly not your immediate family who are full of life spending time together and

presumably completing plans for whatever they have arranged for your ‘big’ birthday

this coming Sunday!! Something that does not include their Dad!

so my husband of 60 years has been in Respite care for 2 weeks now. For the first few days he was very unsettled and walked around with his suitcase packed ready to go home!

I saw on FB a quote yesterday..!INSIDE EVERY PERSON WITH DEMENTIA HIDES A BEAUTIFUL LOST SOUL SEARCHING FOR HIS OR HER WAY HOME’

How painful it must be..who knows what they feel, how they must suffer!

He is not eating well and is constantly on the move. I am upset and anxious knowing this and feel as though I have sent him to prison…

I have tried to fill my days with activities which are impossible when he is at home….

I even went to the Cinema today to see the much publicised long awaited version of Downton Abbey!  I have to say for 2 hours I was with them all and even remembered vividly my day at Highclere House a few years ago with my sisters, John and a brother in law.

But deep down I felt this awful loneliness……I didn’t want to come home to this empty house . I am grieving his loss even though he is still alive

My daughter said it must be great to be able to watch TV or do whatever I want but when there is a heavy weight sitting on your shoulders it is not

No one can know the pain a carer suffers unless they experience it themseelves.

Support anything that is aimed at finding help for those living with Dementia

and pray for them…

 

 

Weekends

Well here I am again sitting on my bed, nothing better to do on a Saturday evening than play word games or do crossword or write this blog.

where would I rather be? Out enjoying the latter end of the day with friends or family or at the theatre for a concert or a musical.

Sadly all are things of the past.  Any excursions have to be fitted into 2 hour slots when Carers are here. Sometimes I feel like a refugee looking for somewhere to go . I am not one for retail therapy.

Some days are ok. I have a chairobics session with a few friends.

Once a fortnight I Volunteer in my local Library shelving returns chatting with borrowers and finding requested books.

On the alternative weeks I play Scrabble with a friendly group of Ladies!

Appointments for manicures and hairdos are fitted in too!

I should be thankful I can do these things but how I hate the weekends!

Taking my Husband out is a definite no no! We have tried taking a trip to the local Country Park but he can’t cope with crowds and noise! The only place we can go is family but they are often away at weekends. Even then he won’t stay for long…after tea and cake he is asking to go home.

it is so lonely and wearing. Every evening I have to listen to constant requests to be taken home……..It is endless. No matter how hard I try to distract him he goes on and on. Fortunately he is fixated on going to bed at a certain time and will take himself off leaving me to shut everything down, switch off any music or TV and creep into my room and lock the door for fear of being disturbed in the middle of the night.

this is not the life I expected

Despair

my heart is breaking

my eyes are full of tears

my husband of more than 60 years

cannot remember he is married to me

Looking through photos of family

he is not able to name anyone

looking at holiday pictures he knows not where we were

time of day seems to mean nothing to him

morning or evening are all the same

he rearranges clothes in the drawers

and changes his trousers several times

there seems to be no rhyme or reason

all is muddle and confusion

and I am going crazy too!

half an hour ago he was getting ready for bed

now he has rushed out to the garden

there is something that needs trimming

and it must be done

nothing will persuade him it is not the time for gardening

I cannot do this anymore……………………………..

Tomorrow he will be interviewed by a social worker

who knows what will transpire………………….

Between a rock etc

I am slowly crumbling trying to remain kind and patient and understanding as my loved one disappears before my eyes.

I don’t know how much longer  I can continue giving full time care.

MY head says it is time but my heart is breaking at the thought.

At this time of year he likes to potter about in the garden watering everything over and over or nipping any shoot that dares to show itself on a shrub.

It would be so cruel to shut him away from that.

BUT..the daily sundowning request to take him home is so irritating……

nothing can distract him from this…it is exhausting.

so sad……………….I am indeed between a rock and a hard place