nightmare

So here I am at 4.45 am haven been wakened by my Demented Husband at 2.30am.

Twice i gently convinced him to go back to bed but by the third time , having lain sleeplessly for two hours I am feeling Murderous!

He is fully dressed in a smart pair of trousers and a neat Cardigan, the temperature in the house is 25c and he is talking a load of nonsense. I made him a cup of tea and a dish of creamed rice and gave him a tablet to make him sleep. he refused to eat the rice, drank half a cup of tea and took the tablet. I was afraid he would fall off the kitchen chair so I coaxed him to an armchair.

My family thought it would be a good idea to move me into a separate room and went to a lot of trouble to do so. I thought it might help but no he comes and wakes me. (Un fortunately the room cannot be secured)

Now I have the added trouble of trying to get rid of excess furniture.

My whole world is turned upside down by this beastly affliction called Alzheimers/Dementia. No amount of respite care or financial assistance will help me to cope with these night-time terrors. i am sick of people telling me what a great job I am doing caring for this man to whom I have been married for almost 60 years.

No amount of praise will make me feel better. Knowing there are others out there coping with worse things does not ease the pain..

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Raining in my heart

This Photo by Ibrahim Asad on Pexels.com is perfect

“The sun is out, the sky is blue, there’s not a cloud to spoil the view

But it’s raining, raining in my heart.”

Today I am being haunted by these words

I was married in 1959, the year Buddy Holly recorded them.

little did I know that 59 years later they would describe perfectly my situation.

yes,I am still married but the loveable humorous fellow I married has disappeared!

“the weatherman says fine today he doesn’t know that you’ve gone away and it’s raining, raining in my heart.

Oh misery  misery, what’s gonna become of me?

I tell my blues they mustn’t show but pretty soon my tears will flow ‘cos it’s raining, raining in my heart”

Sleepless nights, endless requests to take him home,confusion and frustration…

total inability to follow the simplest instruction or request are bringing me down and as the song says…it’s raining in my heart.

How many brave people out there are feeling as I do?

Tears

They are there constantly…you feel them…but you won’t let them fall.

why not? you ask.

maybe it is pride… you don’t want it to be known that you are suffering and sorrowful.

maybe it is fear of hurting others…..you don’t want family to be worried.

Whatever it is you keep them tucked in behind your eyes.

Mixed in with them is tiredness……and guilt perhaps.

The one you love has disappeared……you have lost him and nothing can be done to get him back.

Oh yes physically he is with you but    in his head?????

so many long days with constant repetition, no conversation,

so many nights lying awake worrying

so many things to sort out

yet…’Come to me all ye who are overburdened and I will give you rest’

I hear in my head……and pray constantly………………

Troubles!!

They say bad things happen in threes…….well I have had two mishaps today.

I plodded up to the shop this morning with a £10 note to buy some milk. i pocketed my change£9.01 and walked back home passing the greengrocer. I bought a mango for 99p and went on my way.

When I got home I realised I had lost the £5 note which was part of my change after buying the Milk!   I rushed back to the greengrocer thinking I might have dropped it on the floor but no there was no sign of it. hey ho I thought …whoever finds it may need it more than I do.

Later in the day my Husband was fiddling with the front door which he was unable to close and lock. I thought perhaps it was something to do with the heat as the sun had been shining on it all day. We could operate the lock but the door would not fit into the frame!!!

off I went to consult Mr google…”what can I do if I cannot lock my front door?”

Up came the phone number of a call centre and within 45 minutes of calling an Engineer arrived.

he examined the lock and came to the same conclusion as me!!! he explained the mechanics of the locking system and said that the door had probably dropped a couple of mm so the lock wouldn’t connect in the socket. he managed to fix it but said it might not last. it looks as though we will have to talk to our local Glazier!!

What next? I ask myself………..I hope it won’t be too horrific!! the problem with the door cost more than £100!!!

let’s hope tomorrow will be a better day!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talking to the Wall

Does anyone remember Shirley Valentine?

She was a creation of Willy Russell, based on chats with clients in the hairdressing Salon.

Shirley’s husband was so unresponsive to her chatter that she felt she would do just as well talking to the wall!!

Married to someone who is also unresponsive to any kind of discussion due to the fact that his brain is rapidly shrinking thanks to Dementia, I feel much like Shirley.

One cannot reason with a Dementia sufferer, one has to give instructions in short phrases, one has to tell them to do something in very simple language. one has to revert to the language used with small children.

it is extremely challenging and requires a great deal of patience, especially when it is 0100 hours and they are wondering about the house in the dark, have got up 2 hours previously , decided it was morning and made breakfast. One cannot sleep even though one is dog tired.

another challenging situation is when he has to get dressed, or even later when he decides he needs to change what he is wearing. A whole lot of time is spent getting clothes out and trying them on, then changing them . I really can’t keep up with which tops need to go in the wash and which have only been worn once!!

yesterday it occurred to me that I had better have a key to the back door whilst working in the garden in case he decided to lock the door….he is extremely security conscious!! i was worried I would not be able to get back in the house!!

Dealing with lots of compulsive, obsessive behaviour is extremely hard. he is obsessed with sharpening the Lawn mower but cannot remember how to do it and won’t listen to anything I say as I try to help.

To anyone who works in Dementia Care I say Well done..you must have amazing qualities of patience and understanding.

Unlike Shirley Valentine I cannot escape to sunny peaceful climes.

 

Tranquillity…..no chance

almost a year since i wrote my first blog.

Now I feel as though I am living in a madhouse!!

I was once a patient,kind,  understanding ,gentle Mother to four and teacher of infant children.

Now i am constantly on the verge of screaming and shouting at my Husband who is in a strange world of his own.

I get woken up at 3.20am and gently asked if I can help as the radiators are cold!

I am asked where the ‘others’ are. I am constantly told the he is trying to be helpful.

however if i ask him to help he says he knows nothing about that!!

Now I can hardly bear to be in his company yet I know I cannot leave him alone for too long. It’s a rock and a hard place situation., I am constantly close to tears.

Reading the experiences of others in this situation does not help. I know there are people dealing with things that are much worse but i cannot cope with this…………..

Living with Dementia

some days I feel like banging my head on the wall.

Other days i feel I would be better off dead.

i don’t have Dementia…my partner of 58 years does. He is not the man I married.

His mind is like a butterfly flitting from on thing to another.

He announced a while ago..

I will watch a film at 3 oclock!

good I said. (I am due to do 2 Hours volunteering in the Library from 3 til 5pm) I thought he would be well occupied .

Ten minutes later he said I have to make a sandwich for my tea…I’ll have to give the film a miss….I can get it tomorrow!!

No amount of reasoning and pointing out that he could wait til the film finished would convince him to make the sandwich after the film!!!

This is just a small indication of things as they are here!!! Is it any wonder I feel as though I am going mad.Mind you Talking Point on the Dementia site has convinced me that I am not in as bad a place as many others caring for partners suffering this dreadful condition.

If anyone reading this has an opportunity to contribute to funding for research into Dementia Please do so!

Husband has just appeared to inform me now : I will watch the film………………………..

Aaaagh!!!