almost a year since i wrote my first blog.
Now I feel as though I am living in a madhouse!!
I was once a patient,kind, understanding ,gentle Mother to four and teacher of infant children.
Now i am constantly on the verge of screaming and shouting at my Husband who is in a strange world of his own.
I get woken up at 3.20am and gently asked if I can help as the radiators are cold!
I am asked where the ‘others’ are. I am constantly told the he is trying to be helpful.
however if i ask him to help he says he knows nothing about that!!
Now I can hardly bear to be in his company yet I know I cannot leave him alone for too long. It’s a rock and a hard place situation., I am constantly close to tears.
Reading the experiences of others in this situation does not help. I know there are people dealing with things that are much worse but i cannot cope with this…………..
some days I feel like banging my head on the wall.
Other days i feel I would be better off dead.
i don’t have Dementia…my partner of 58 years does. He is not the man I married.
His mind is like a butterfly flitting from on thing to another.
He announced a while ago..
I will watch a film at 3 oclock!
good I said. (I am due to do 2 Hours volunteering in the Library from 3 til 5pm) I thought he would be well occupied .
Ten minutes later he said I have to make a sandwich for my tea…I’ll have to give the film a miss….I can get it tomorrow!!
No amount of reasoning and pointing out that he could wait til the film finished would convince him to make the sandwich after the film!!!
This is just a small indication of things as they are here!!! Is it any wonder I feel as though I am going mad.Mind you Talking Point on the Dementia site has convinced me that I am not in as bad a place as many others caring for partners suffering this dreadful condition.
If anyone reading this has an opportunity to contribute to funding for research into Dementia Please do so!
Husband has just appeared to inform me now : I will watch the film………………………..
Living with a person who has Dementia is almost like bereavement.
The one you have known and loved for many many years is slowly slipping away.
Instead of being ‘Tess’ or ‘your Mother’ I am now referred to as ‘My Wife’
names of things are forgotten, conversations are not possible as concentration lapses very quickly. Simple tasks take longer to complete. Confusion creeps in
With the shortening of days comes restlessness and the need to shut things down and go to bed.
This brings loneliness and feelings of rejection, sometimes one even feels as if they are no longer relevant.
patience and understanding are sometimes in short supply!
Pray for us.
this morning I joined a group of friends at the village church for coffee and chat.
The subject for discussion was that of the title of this blog.
We came up with a myriad of them which led to a lot of anecdotes of various irritations:
traffic jams when you have an appointment to keep; the computer telling you your printer is offline when you can see it isn’t; the checkout person in the supermarket who carries on a conversation with a colleague rather than giving you attention; the mother who chats on her phone rather than talking to her child,…I could go on and on.
it has just struck me that some of you will be thinking I am being very negative again, and maybe as a group we were, but we were also seeking to find a way to deal with these things.
A member of the group reminded us that Life is not easy, there are always going to be challenges.
In the grand scheme of things these irritations count for very little. One only has to think of the Muslims fleeing Myanmar, or the many refugees desparately seeking a better life in Europe, or the Syrians trying to return home and rebuild their lives.
It seems there are those who do not value Human life and people are dispossed, forced into slavery, starved and made homeless.
What can we do as individuals to make this a better world??
We need leaders who are peacemakers with Compassion and integrity .
Sowing disunity and hatred is negative.
We can but pray for Peace.
have you had one of those weeks when everything seems to go wrong .?
The shower died on Saturday. We couldn’t get a Plumber til Monday!
i went shopping at my local supermarket and at the check out discovered that I didn’t have my bank card.
I went to an ATM for cash another day and the machine was out of order.
Whilst doing some gardening, potting up some bulbs and pansies i caught my skirt on a rough edge and pulled a thread!!
An arrangement with a friend to go to the cinema had to be cancelled because she had a family crisis to be dealt with immediately…we were both disappointed.
During my walk this morning I struggled with my breathing and took a long time to recover on return home after 25 minutes walking.
I called the Dr and got an appointment. he suggested i had an ECG immediately and that he change the dosage of one of my meds. ECG was ok. I have to take the new dose for 3 weeks and get back to him.
I decided today we would have our main meal in the evening as we were expecting the Plumber to fit the shower some time during the day.
Shower fitted, my Husband decided to make a start on cooking, even though I had said we would eat at 5.30, he had the vegetables on the go at 3.25.
He could not understand that it was too early…I was castigated for my stupidity in not being able to understand his reading of the clock.
i fled into the garden to prevent myself from screaming!!!!!!!!
So sad to witness the gradual loss of memory…how to do familiar tasks..worrying about time to do things, inability to settle to watch and follow TV programmes……the heart is heavy that sees these things.
Looking through a pile of unopened mail, birthday cards addressed to me for tomorrow I saw one addressed to Teresa Collins and Family!! what is this I wonder, then realised it was the card purchased today by husband John. He asked me to go with him to the shop and then asked me which one I liked……So sad to think he could no longer do this simple task without my help..my heart is heavy and there is nothing I can do.
the sun is shining, the sky is blue….all is quiet on the road outside
but I am at the bottom of the pit.
The radio keeps reminding me it’s a Holiday weekend but I am stuck here with nowhere to go and nothing but housework to do…………….Not even a chance of seeing family…they are all too busy visiting or entertaining friends.
A short drive to a local beauty spot would be nice!!!!!!!!!!
As I ponder the idea of going anywhere I realise that all throughout my married life, if we did go on holiday I was the one to organise it.
Now I wan’t to be organised by someone else. the stress and worry of such things is too much to contemplate. Sadly the only significant other is way past doing such things .
hey ho! such is life now!